Movie Double Take (Featuring Double the Bobs)
Note from Bob: I recently visited my parents and my dad (who also happens a handsome gentleman named Bob) and I just watched movies the whole time. So the next several reviews will be Movie Double Bob instead of Movie Double Take! But don't worry Allie fans, she will be back after the guest stunt is over!
Little Bob: Jurassic World is all about the dinosaurs but in order to get to the dinosaurs you have to put up with a lot of tedious and cliched drivel. Every character in this film has less depth than the average lead in a Cheerios commercial, and the actors are wasted in what is a miscasting on just about every level. The comedically gifted Judy Greer and Chris Pratt play humorless one dimensional characters, and Bryce Dallas Howard, who you’ve previously loved in nothing ever, is similarly mediocre here. The film wants to pretend it’s more than a movie about dinosaurs eating people so we get half-assed plot strands of a budding romance, and children with divorcing parents, but the movie clearly doesn’t care about any of these mismanaged elements because they’re only brought up in exposition and a hushed conclusion so you don’t feel like we’ve watched an entirely hollow two hour movie to see five minutes of dinosaurs eating people and fighting each other. This is one of those “people do things that make no sense for people to do so the plot can advance” movies, so you’ll cheer when they all get eaten by dinosaurs, but it doesn’t make it any less irritating to watch them on the screen for the hour before that happens. I suggest staying at home and instead YouTubing “The Best Scenes of People Being Eaten by Dinosaurs in Movies” in six months instead.
Stars: 1 out of 5
How Does It Compare To Other Jurassic Park Movies?
Worse Than: Jurassic Park
Better than: The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Big Bob: Is this the sixth or seventh in the franchise? I lost track a long time ago. I only saw the original . I saw this movie in 3-D with Bob, and it was our second movie of the day. I think we went a Bridge Too Far with this one. It is not that it sucks, which it does not. Only kind of. It is actually an okay summer movie, but it is so lame compared to the original. It was really great to see all those dinosaurs up on the big screen in the original, and Jurassic Park had very interesting characters. Laura Dern, Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum played people you could care about, and the kids were kind of good actors. I actually cared what happened to them when T-Rex was about to eat them. Richard Attenborough played a caring, if somewhat misguided, owner of the place. Samuel L Jackson chewed up more scenery than a brontosaurus.
That movie had two bad guys: Wayne Knight (Newman) as Dennis, and the velociraptors. I know I missed about five or six of these movies, but somehow, Newman is gone (oh yeah, spoiler alert, he didn't get very far in the first movie), and the velociraptors are the good guys. Huh? The only reason I even cared about the lead character, played by Chris Pratt, is that I like him in Guardians of the Galaxy.
I didn't care about any of the main characters, and the kids were dull. The people in this movie are so stupid you don't care if they get eaten, only how. The story was pretty forgettable, and the only reason to make this movie was to make a ton of money, which it did. Even more so, because it was in 3-D.
Stars: 3 out of 5 It seems like they forgot to have a screenplay for this movie, and they planned the whole thing via storyboard. There were probably a bunch of geeks playing with toy dinosaurs sitting around saying “Wouldn't it be cool if we did this? GRRRRR” And they only had two dinosaurs to play with- a T-Rex and some velociraptors.
What to bring: Tin foil. It seems like leftovers.
Big Bob's Oscar Prediction: Sad to say, but I think the Academy will not pay attention to any movies released before Christmas day. The geeks with the toy dinosaurs will be overlooked for best un-original screenplay.